Comics
Jokes
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes
out of my nose.
–Woody Allen
If Jesus was killed 50 years ago, Catholic schoolchildren all over the
world would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks.
–Lenny Bruce
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
–Rodney Dangerfield
Football combines the two worst features of American life: it is
violence punctuated by committee meetings.
–George Will
A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at
kick-boxing.
–Emo Philips
I am two with nature.
–Woody Allen
I was walking across a bridge one day
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over
and said, "Stop Don't do it!""Why shouldn't I?" he said."Well, there's
so much to live for.""Like what?""Well, are you religious?"He said yes.I
said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?""Christian.""Me too! Are
you Catholic or Protestant?""Protestant.""Me too! Are you Episcopalian
or Baptist?""Baptist.""Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or
Baptist Church of the Lord?""Baptist Church of God!""Me too! Are you
original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of
God?""Reformed Baptist Church of God!""Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist
Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,
Reformation of 1915?"He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God,
Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off.
–Emo Philips
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
–Bill Maher
People in hell...where do they tell someone to go?
–Red Skelton
Suicide is a man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me, I quit.”
–Bill Maher
They say that the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to
make it at home, and there's more to it than that. You want some
more home made sprite? Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in
it!
–Mitch Hedberg
Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?
–George Carlin
I believe there is something out there watching us.
Unfortunately, it's the government.
–Woody Allen
I’d rather have pussy foot than woodpecker. Or beernuts. That must be
awful.
–George Carlin
I said to my doctor, “My penis is burning.” He said, “That just means
someone’s talking about it.”
–Garry Shandling
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he
thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?"
The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
–Woody Allen
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
–Steven Wright
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.
–Steven Wright
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my
own.
–Woody Allen
When I was a little kid, we had a
quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.
–Steven Wright
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a
red light?" I said, I don't know...look around, listen to
the radio.
–Bill Braudis
I was attacked by a shark, but I poked it in the eye and got away. All
I have to say is, “Thank you, Viagra!”
–Craig Kilborn
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal
is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
–Brian
Kiley
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad
people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy
the waking hours much more.
–Woody Allen
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good
thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with
his left blinker on.
–Jon
Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time.
–Robin Williams
China has a population of a billion people. One billion.
That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still
a thousand others exactly like you.
–A.
Whitney Brown
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering -
and it's all over much too soon.
–Woody Allen
I always wanted to be that last guy on
earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
–Ronnie Shakes
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What
was that?!"
–Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the
world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a
shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
they see.
–Jack Handey
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and
asks "are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I
said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
–David
Brenner
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
–Woody Allen
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
–Jack Nicholson
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of
dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
–Gilbert
Gottfried
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
–Steve Martin
Women should be obscene and not heard.
–Groucho Marx
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
–Roseanne
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too
small.
–Woody Allen
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in
terror like his passengers.
–Anonymous
Question: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Let's go ride bikes!!!
–Anonymous
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"
–Anonymous
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon,
when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I
do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
–Anonymous
Two
prostitutes are standing on a corner.
One says to the other, "Ever been picked
up by the fuzz?"
The other
replies, "No, but I've been swung around
by the tits."
–Anonymous
A woman turns to her husband in bed and
asks, "Do you love me only because my
father died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says.
"I'd love you no matter who left you the
money."
–Anonymous
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's
the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the
rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to
her. "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go
right up there and tell him off--go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for
you."
–Anonymous
A man walks
into a bar and sees a miniature man
sitting on a table playing a miniature
piano.
He's
fascinated and watches the man play for
a few minutes, then asks the bartender,
"How did you find such a tiny man to
play the piano?"
The
bartender replies, "I found a lamp with
a genie in it who granted me one wish."
"And you
asked for a 10-inch pianist?"
"Well, not
exactly."
–Anonymous
A
75-year-old man goes to confession and
tells the priest, "I had sex last night
with two 20-year-old girls, and I had
sex with each one three times."
The priest
says, "How long has it been since your
last confession, my son?"
The man
says, "I have never been to confession,
I am Jewish."
"So why are
you telling me this?" asks the priest.
The man
says, "I'm telling everybody!"
–Anonymous
A man is driving up a steep and narrow
mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each
other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!" The man
immediately leans out his window and replies, "Bitch!" They each
continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes
into a pig in the middle of the road.
–Anonymous
Three guys stranded on a desert island
find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he were off the island and back home. The second
guy wishes the same. The third guy says, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends
were back here."
–Anonymous
Marriage
Jokes
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
–George Burns
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
–Robin Williams
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.
–Anonymous
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
–Milton Berle
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
–Rodney Dangerfield
A woman
preparing to leave her husband casually
informs him, "I'm going to become a
hooker. I can make $400 for what I give
you for free."
"I'm coming
with you," the man replies. "I want to
see you live on $800 a year."
–Anonymous
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
–Henny Youngman
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
–Rita Rudner
Marriages
are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder and lightning.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got a girlfriend.
A
husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's
not.
Marriage is when a man replaces the money in his wallet with a photo of
his wife.
I’ve been told that marriage is a great institution…I guess I always
knew I’d end up in an institution.
A
husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone
handy.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house.
A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I
like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment
and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to
death.'
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her
sleep.
The
Husband Store
A store that sells
husbands just opened in New York City. At the
entrance is a description of how the store
operates:
There are six floors
and the attributes of the men improve from
floor-to-floor. There is, however, a catch...
you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the building.
Please pay for your one-time ticket just ahead.
So, a woman goes to the
Husband Store to find her mate...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
She proceeds to the next floor.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2
- These men have jobs and love kids.
Excitedly, she heads upstairs.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3
- These men have jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Wow," she pauses, but
decides to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are extremely good looking, and help
with the housework. She simply must go to
the next floor.
There the sign reads: Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework, and have
a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
next floor where the sign reads: Floor 6
- You are visitor 400,363,012. We're sorry,
we're completely out of stock. Thank you
for visiting the husband store.
Given his success, the owner decided to open The
Wife Store just across the street.
Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have
money.
Floor 3 to 6th - have never been visited.
THE ART OF INSULTS
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend... if you have one.
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one.
–Winston Churchill, in reply
Interpreter! Interpreter! How do you say the opposite of Vive Le France?
–Winston Churchill, on Charles de Gaulle
A sheep in sheep's clothing.
–Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee
There but for the grace of God, goes God.
–Winston Churchill, on Stafford Cripps
He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up
and hurried on as if nothing had happened.
–Winston Churchill, on Stanley Baldwin
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
–Winston Churchill
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
–Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.
–Clarence Darrow
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.
–William Faulkner (about Ernest
Hemingway)
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
–Ernest Hemingway (about William
Faulkner)
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it.
–Moses Hadas
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
–Stephen Bishop
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
–Samuel Johnson
He had delusions of adequacy.
–Walter Kerr
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
–Abraham Lincoln
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
–Groucho Marx
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge.
–Thomas Brackett Reed
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
–Charles, Count Talleyrand
If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote
it.
–Tennessee Williams
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it.
–Mark Twain
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
–Mae West
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
–Oscar Wilde
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
–Oscar Wilde
Wordplay
The Washington Post recently asked readers to create a new word by
dropping the first letter of an existing word.
The following were some of the winning entries:
Amished: Hungering for a simpler way of life.
Ammogram: A loaded message.
Iarrhea: Running on about oneself.
Ickpocket: A place to put your used Kleenex.
Idwife: Every guy's dream.
Oreplay: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft.
Ouch-and-go: A dominatrix's house call.
Oxtrot: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance.
Riminal: A man who doesn't clean up his toilet dribble.
Riskies: Chinese-made cat food.
Unich: German city voted World's Safest Town for Women.
Urple: The color of vomit.
The
Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked
to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
AMAZING ANAGRAMS
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
This one's amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
―Shakespeare, Hamlet
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
―Neil A. Armstrong
Becomes:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On
to Mars!
Humor
from the Church
Here are statements that actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced during church services.
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to
a conflict.
5. Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
6. Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
10. Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends
a friendship that began in their school days.
11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS
WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's
business.
He lived at home until he
was 33.
He was sure his Mother
was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He
never got married.
He was
always telling stories.
He
loved green pastures.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His
first name was Jesus.
He was
bilingual.
He was
always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He
called everybody "brother."
He
liked Gospel.
He
couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He
never cut his hair.
He
walked around barefoot.
He
started a new religion.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had
to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept
trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get
it.
Even
dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
THREE
PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He
talked with his hands.
He had
wine with every meal.
He
worked in the building trades.
Hilarious Commercials/Videos
Financial Newspaper
Euro Beer
Volkswagen Polo
Wife Cell Phone
Bud Light Fart
Unrepentant
Party Punk
Don't Rock Out Too Hard!
Cat Massaging Dog
Spiders on Drugs
Slip, Slidin' Away
(PowerPoint)
MySpace Videos
Family Guy
"Bullfrog"
Ten Commandments
Stephen
Colbert: Do you
know your ten commandments?
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